Thursday, August 27, 2009

Tamps & Hoops

To keep ourselves awake and motivated at work, my family sometimes has an impromptu chat room in the form of e-mail chains. They are often insightful and always hilarious. I had to share with readers of The Bee, a snippet from the conversation today. Please excuse punctuation/spelling/grammar - this was not intended to be published.

A little warning for the boys - this is about some delicate female-issues, you may want to just stop now.

A little background for those of you still with us - when I say "my family" I really mean the women in the family. I come from a fairly large family with LOTS of sisters and daughters. A male birth has been so rare that we celebrate it with a ritual sacrifice. Not goats or chickens or anything - pretty much just pastry. Come to think of it, we pretty much celebrate everything with a ritual sacrifice. We're hard-core like that. Anyway, this past weekend two of the sisters ("Lynn" and "Louise") went on a little vacation to the beach and there were some issues with tampons.

**Buggys made an excellent point - you should know that "Lynn" is not some stupid teenager. She is in fact a grown woman with stupid teenagers of her own.

(( Names and places have been changed to protect the innocent))

Lynn says:

Okay, here goes......and this does not go on anyone's blog......Last week down the beach I had to use them. Haven't ever used them much before and it was horrible. With the first couple I was scared to cough, and having just been sick, that was an issue, so every time I coughed I held myself hoping it didn't just rocket fire out. Then I decided I needed to use super plus. So I bought new one's. However after the first one of those, which were a little different, when I pulled it out I realized that I had left the cardboard on the tampon itself. Now it was a little unraveled due to the absorption of bodily fluids, hopefully it is all out of that area by the time I go for my yearly. I have to say they are a dangerous product and should be used by only experienced personnel!

Louise says:

I took Frank off of the email for the rest of this story! Lynn was a riot, the tampon issue was hysterical and luckily nothing rocket fired out of "the area". The first day she was quite concerned (as one might assume, having never really used tampons before). Hoofing it back and forth to the truck to get to a bathroom to make "the change" gets to be quite time consuming (and hot and exhausting). So, in her infinite wisdom, Lynn became a pro the second day. There was going to be none of that walking back and forth, sweating, losing a good parking spot, etc. So, she decided to change her tampon in the parking lot at the truck. Granted, it was ingenious, and she did quite well and came well prepared. She had JR's truck all week, so she opened both doors, hiked the right leg up on the truck, took out and put back in a new one ... INGENIOUS! She came prepared with bags, wipes, tweezers (for cardboard parts if necessary), five extra bathing suits, a sign saying "take a picture it will last longer", etc. She was a PRO after only one day. OK, there were really no tweezers, extra baby-hoots or a sign .. but it made the story sound better.

Now ... on Thursday, the waves were a bit big... fun, but bigger and rougher than normal. Lynn was sporting a pair of sterling silver hoops that JR had gotten her and wore them every day. By the way Lynn, they enhanced the look everyday, kudos! We got in the water and it wasn't but seconds later when a wave smacked her in the head and one of the earrings fell out. Upset she was ( I would be too). Michelle and I looked up on shore just to see if it had washed up, it hadn't. Next day, there she was sporting the earrings, where was it you ask .... I'll tell you. She took her bathing suit off that night (after mind you, the rest of the day on the beach and an hour and a 1/2 ride home to JR's house), it fell out of her crotch! Now, how could ya not feel that one? Well, I guess coming from the woman who stuck the cardboard up there, you could understand why!

All was well in the world of Lynn by Friday, no tampons, earrings were in ... BUT the water was too damn rough to even get in.


Buggys August 27, 2009 at 1:13 PM  

Hey, I was just clicking on New Post to put this up. No Fair! I really need to read some comments on this one. I think I laughed harder this time then I did the first.

Buggys August 27, 2009 at 1:20 PM  

Btw, "Lynne" is a grown woman with grown children, she's not 14 yo.

Andrea August 27, 2009 at 1:21 PM  

OMG - I love your family! Will you adopt me?

Anonymous,  August 27, 2009 at 2:20 PM  

I couldn't have written it better my self!!! :)

aka: "Louise"

Stacie's Madness August 27, 2009 at 2:46 PM  

ohmygoodness...this is hysterical...and I think I will be walking funny every time I even THINK about the cardboard being where the cardboard did not belong.


Grace August 27, 2009 at 6:22 PM  

Choking with laughter...

The Bee August 27, 2009 at 9:37 PM  

@ Buggys - ya snooze ya lose
@ Andrea - you're in! we're always welcoming new recruits
@ "Louise" I think we're all thanking you for telling the "whole" story.
@ Stacie - I think we ALL will be walking funny
@ Grace - I fell ya I was dying at my desk at work while I was reading these. I know my co-workers think I'm insane.

grace August 27, 2009 at 11:49 PM  

I can never bring myself to use tampons. they aren't sold in a lot of places in my city anyway. i just can't imagine inserting them...

Anonymous,  August 28, 2009 at 8:53 AM  

I think "my blog" has gotten more comments than Wills as the "guest writer" ... hmmmm, Will .. you need to do better buddy.


Lin August 29, 2009 at 10:33 AM  

Cardboard up the vajayjay and you don't feel it??! You people are sick, I tell ya. Sick!

But, thanks for the laugh!

Blog Queen August 29, 2009 at 11:42 AM  

You guys are a riot!!! Love your blog. Thanks for dropping by my site. I'll be hanging out here pretty regularly!!! ...too funny

Buggys August 29, 2009 at 11:42 PM  

Come over to my blog for a link up on Sunday Seven!

Stacie August 31, 2009 at 12:04 PM  

ROFL this was too funny! Hope you have a great Monday!

Staci at Just Bloggled August 31, 2009 at 3:42 PM  

Too funny! I'm trying to picture myself changing a tampon in a parking lot. The only thing I can imagine is Murphy's Law kicking in and a bus full of kids driving by or a police officer. Can you imagine the arrest report on that?

Then the earring--ouch. I've had an earring go straight up in my foot before like a tack. It was quite painful. The idea of having an earring sticking me somewhere else...double ouch.

I gave you an award on my blog, the J'Adore Tien Blog Award. You can stop by to pick it up. Congrats.

nancy September 1, 2009 at 5:59 AM  

sounds like a movie scene. you must have a wonderful big family of girls...
abnd oh, never tried that tampon thing, LOL!

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